dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
