I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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