Me. At least after what I've been through.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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