I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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