just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
