Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Never joke about your clitoris.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
