I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
