I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
