ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
