Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
