please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
