K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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