I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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