We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
