i barfeds in our rink
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
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