i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
