I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
