dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
