nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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