i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
