So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
