Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
