So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
