How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
