just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
