Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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