you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
