You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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