i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
