I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
