Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
