my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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