Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just gargled with NyQuil
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
