i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
