Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
