If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Still dying that you shit outside
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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