we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
