the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
