my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
