apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
