You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
