dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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