i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
