im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
