How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
