the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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