I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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