I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
