Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
