Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize