I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
