It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
