atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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