after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
