Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
